With each pregnancy and birth I am a different woman. I become a new mother
I've learn more about birth, bodies, babies, myself, my partner, my needs, desires and values.
I've expanded and contracted.
I've grieved and celebrated between each new life - and this deeply shapes how I plan and hope to journey through birth and postpartum.
**disclaimer, this account is coming from my (mothers) perspective that was heavily under the influence of natural drugs (read: hormones) if you want an accurate account ask someone else.
If you don't want to read bunch of context and lead up you can skip to the day of birth story below the double line**
the news about baby three was two things:
- Welcome ( I love families of three and was hoping to have one)
- unintended (maybe not the best timing since I barely recovered from a prolapse, my youngest was 11 months and suffering from eczema, we were in the middle of all consuming remodel and just endured a devastating loss in our family)
I was NOT ready.
I immediately texted my midwife. The fact that she tolerates me texting her casually has been wonderfully life-giving as she is able to share medical, maternal & spiritual wisdom with me. Holistic care at its best.
She shared from personal experience grappling with acceptance of her own youngest (we were pregnant together for that pregnancy) and the trust and surrender she found in time.
My next call was to my genius PT who had just walked with me in my year-long, near full recovery from prolapse that I was otherwise told was "incurable". SOMEDAY, I will write the post about the wonderous pelvic floor, how all women need a PFT, and my journey to recovery. But for now, just know that I could not imagine how pregnancy and birth were going to go after an injury like the one I had.
The short end of our conversation was that with strength training, and intentionality, before and after birth that the prolapse can actually improve with subsequent pregnancies. THIS news was VERY exciting! Birth, a path to deeper healing- a theme that would persist.
With everything going on that was just about the last time I really thought about this pregnancy. It was an uncomplicated, and healthy pregnancy with moderate symptoms.Though like all good mothers I certainly complained none-the-less!
Any space I had was dedicated to imagining the best ways to support my family through this transition, and discovering how other cultures recover from birth and care for postpartum women (read: avoid prolapse, PPD/PPA/PPR, nutritional depletion, marital distress, hormonal imbalance and on and on).
A postpartum care is a system I am whole-heartedly interested in transforming in the US.
Fast forward to 36 weeks when baby dropped low and I started having contractions. My midwife recommended using spinning babies techniques to get him up and out of the pelvis. This immediately worked and my heartburn returned.
Over the next few week I had haphazard contractions that would get me excited only to wake up pregnant the next day. This particular quality of my pregnancies is important because it sets me up for labor denial ("I don't think this is it..... what if I call everyone and it peters out?)"
On baby's due date..... wait wait, let talk about what I planned for the birth and introduce some characters here.
We live in a 2bed/2bath and have 2 children and a pit bull. Given the circumstances, I didn't necessarily want to labor and birth in the same space as my children and dog. Since we can't predict when spontaneous birth will occur (I have since learn the 80 % of women begin labor between 5pm and 8am with peak deliveries around 4 am!),I didn't know if it would be possible to shuttle them off to a grandparents or not. This is one of the few complications to home birthing if you aren't planning on having your kids join, which many women do. But my oldest loses his mind if he thinks a scratch might bleed- let alone actually seeing blood. So, not a good option for us (or so I thought).
We decided to buy a bell tent
This fits the real or imagined birth belief that I hold about women needing a quiet dark cave to crawl into. I adorned this tent with rugs, favorite blankets, a little alter, candles, fairy lights, bolsters and lounging pads, birth ball, peanut ball, and the ole' birth tub that I always bring out but never actually use because social media tells me water births are the best. but for some reason my body likes the living room floor.
So the intention was when I was ready to settle down and labor in one place and deliver, we would go out to the tent. Which didn't end up happening.
My Birth Team:
Perhaps the LEAST traditional thing I did for this birth is not have my husband on the birth team. I mean he was on the team, but he was on kid duty. A few things influenced this:
- We co-sleep and the kids for sure notice when we aren't there.
- I knew both the boys would be looking to feel secure with the big guy they trust most.
- Brandon is not a natural in the birth room, all loving, I can feel his anxiety especially if things get rocky.
- Finally, my 2nd borns birth ended in a hospital transfer (you can read about it in my previous post) and Brandon had a little PTSD - so he happily accepted kid duty.
We promised to wake him up when the time deliver arose.
I think it is also worth noting here that there are specific skills, methods, tools and ways of being that make a great birth partner (doulas are trained in this). Any partner can train, educate and prepare themselves to provide that support. However, I have found that some women possess these things intuitively when given the opportunity to be in the birth room. It is beautiful to witness.
Chelle - She has been a best friend for 15 years, "Though thick and thin" would be putting it lightly.
She's the first person who invited me to attend her birth and probably permanently altered my life by doing so. She's now been my birth partner for all three births. She delivered naturally/vaginally twice in a hospital setting. She has a strong, decisive presence in the room while being very nurturing. Its no small ask to have a working mother of two children drive an hour to your house in the middle of the night and lose a night of sleep. After waffling about it I finally asked hoping she didn't feel obligated. She agreed AGAIN.
Allison - Allison, Chelle and I were all roommates my last year of college. Allison too, has stayed a best friend but she's often gallivanting around the world and has a beautiful life in Brooklyn, NY. In the last five years I've witnessed Allison put in the work and time to do deep healing and she's exudes peaceful, open, medicine woman vibes these days. I knew I wanted her energy in the room. Which meant she would have to fly in and stay with us ( read: crazy family) for an extended period to hopefully catch the birth. This was not a small ask, and she agreed.
AiLinh (pronouced Aileen - don't mess it up like I did for months)
Ai means Love
Linh means Soul/Spirit.
Thats probably all I need to say about her but I'll share more.
Ai and I met while I was teaching Urban Farming at a local community college. Her sweetness of presence was so warm, I immediately felt like she was a soul sister. Its not often as adults we get to forge new friendships that feel deep and safe. but I have always felt that way with her. I also probably laugh more with her than anyone else. She delights me through and through.
Ai had been trying to become pregnant for sometime and I always held a torch that we would be pregnant together. When I was 6 months pregnant we met up for lunch and she told me she was having a baby girl a month after my due date via surrogate.
I burst into the happiest tears.
With the state of covid it became apparent that she wouldn't be able to witness her daughters birth. so I asked. Ai is not a sage burning, hippy dip, alternative medicine, person. She's a recovering engineer and wears clean clothes. I had no idea if she would be interested in the crude, messy wild thing that birth is. She said yes.
And then, theres my midwife: La Reina (The Queen).
After every birth one or more people will comment on LaReina and with deep respect say "She's good".
She's sharp and diligent with her medical knowledge and skills.
She is connected spiritually and leans into God as she walks women through birth
She is an intuitive and natural healer. She's got the "sumptin special"
She's also very beautiful, I am so grateful for her and all that she has shared with me over these past five years.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So NOW its his due date, which is ironic because I will be the first person to go on about how arbitrary due dates are and that they just psyche mamas out thinking their baby is early or late, at risks when really variation is normal and expected and something like 5% of babies are born on their due date.
NONE THE LESS! this baby, just like his brother decided to come on his due date.
Around dinner time I took my car to Americas Tires to fix a flat and the same haphazard contractions were following me around as usual.
While I waited for the car I decided a nice long walk at pace would do me some good which always seems to make the uterus more active. after walking all over the local shopping center and buying the textiles for the bathroom we just finished, I got the call my car was done.
There was a rhythm now of a mild contraction every 15 minutes.
7:00p by the time I was home the kids were asleep and I decided to start fussing with the house. A surge of energy came, and Brandon thought I should sleep, I didn't think I would be able to so I told him to go to bed. Instead we both fussed with the house together. which was nice. I still wasn't convinced "this was it" or if it was, whether I was ready to send out the bat signal.
8:00p My midwife always says to take some magnesium and a hot bath, if contractions stop its false labor/ not today. if it persists where on the train bound for glory! ( she doesn't say the glory part)
so I messaged the team and told them I let them know how the litmus test goes.
Everything stopped in the bath. *game over*
Once I dried off I told everyone to catch some sleep.
Then, the waves started to come again. still only 45 seconds. 6, 8,7, 5 minutes apart. very manageable.
suddenly it was 10:30 they hadn't stopped or progressed. but that means I had been contracting for 6 hours. The story started to look a lot like Elijah's birthday night. But that time I waited too long, and I didn't want to do that again. Actually, BRANDON reminded me, that once I get going it goes fast and he told me he was NOT delivering the baby.
10:30 So I told everyone they could come and that there wasn't much to do but they could rest here till things picked up. I knew both the other boys were born around 4 am and believed this would be the same, but had trouble trusting myself.
11:00 Chelle magically appeared like 4 contractions later. She did not drive the speed limit.
11:30 Ai Linh a few contractions after that. I was so happy to have their company I didn't realize how anxious I had gotten until it was relieved by their presence.
For a while it just felt like my friends were hanging out. Oddly, in the middle of the night - interrupted by the occasional contraction.
Generally speaking the midwife waits till things pick up a bit more then I was experiencing. I was still energetic, present, walking and talking though contractions, relaxed between them - they were STILL about 45 secs long, and now all about 5 minutes apart. Still I was worried that once things got rolling she was an hour away, so I asked her to come any ways
12:30 LaRiena (The Midwife) arrives. I am still.... not progressing. I imagine that she was not amused to walk into the living room with me laughing and wandering around.
I started to feel (self- imposed) pressure to "perform" - and get labor rolling. Just about everyone is here, its getting late.... and so we worked on the birth ball, lunging some, walking around. Its important to acknowledge that this experience of pressure is not helping the birth process. Being in "Perform" and not "relax into oblivion aka Labor Land"
It looked something like this: Liam kept waking up and wanting to hang out which was also taking my head out of the game. but for some reason we hadn't moved to the bell tent. The fire was nice and it was warm, and it was nice to be around when Liam wandered out.
I had forgotten to eat, which my midwife identified pretty quickly upon arrival when she was trying to figure out why labor wasn't progressing. I think we/I tend to forget the the uterus IS a muscle. and the body IS working. So Ai Linh made me a delicious PB and banana toast, some electrolyte water and I decided I should probably go for walk.
I went out into the chilly night beneath the very full moon and stopped into the bell tent to be quiet. I spent a little time praying, lighting some palo santo, and dropping into my body. With the Moon Full, the entire landscape was lit up, which made for really nice walking. I have never walked in labor before, it felt really good.
2:00 Allison arrives. coincidently - dropped off by my very newest friend in this area. which made it feel like she too was part of my birth in a little way. Allison walked with me. She wore a beautiful alpaca poncho ( I love ponchos) and I was able to lean deep into her, we walked \ and she sang medicine songs.
Medicine Songs are powerful, they can meet us in our darkest hour, soothing the soul deeply. We would pause when a contraction came. and continue. It became quite cold. Contractions became a bit longer stronger and closer together - but we weren't there yet.
There is a understanding that if a baby doesn't come before the sunrises labor can stall out.
We went back inside, I had hoped everyone would be resting, but they were up.
I decided, or actually....maybe Chelle said, a bath was a good idea.
This is where it starts to get fuzzy. I turned off my phone, and stopped timing contractions. I was beginning to feel tired. the bath gave me about 15 minutes of a rest from contracting.... and then it started to swing.
By sweet luck, the moon smiled down on me when I was in the tub.
This felt particulary lucky given the timing and orientation had to be just right.
While I was in the bath I slipped into labor land without quite noticing. I **thought** things were still pretty easy, and some point I looked over to allison and said,
"Maybe this is it? maybe this IS my Labor, and it doesn't HAVE to be hard."
3:30 I decided to get out of the tub, and said "whenever I get out of the water I get one really good contraction"( IS this true for everyone?)
Thats exactly what happened. as soon as I stepped out, a much more intense contraction came my water broke and we were full steam ahead.
Allison and Chelle supported me through contractions with counter pressure, holding me up and touch.
Ai Linh took these beautiful photos, kept me hydrated and was the go-fer, which every home birth needs one of these.
Can we talk about the fact that we all wore white? This was not planned.
and somehow, we are still laughing in between
4:30 And then his heart rate plumeted.....again its fuzzy... so I won't get the details just right.
I could just hear how slow it was..... and the midwife talking me though it.... within a few contractions it wasn't coming back up.
(its worth noting that this happened with my second born as well and we transferred for placental abruption, this was not that, but sure felt the same in the moment, you can read about it in the other post)
LaRiena vocalized that she didn't have her medical back-up, ( its her standard to have a second midwife at a home birth, This was mostly my fault because I wasn't meeting the criteria for when you call in the second. She didn't say this at the time, but in our debriefs she let me know that she was pretty sure she would need to resuscitate baby and she needed more hands to do that.
La Reina started giving directions:
"Someone call EMS"
"Someone get Brandon up" (who had two cosleeping boys attached to him, so now they were up too.
She brought over oxygen, which gave his heart rate a little boost, and I relaxed some.
"Sarah you have to change positions" I hate changing positions in the final hour. It is SO painful, it is no wonder to me that women who are required to birth on their back need medication. I would say its easily 5 times more painful then being upright.
We first tried side lying which was no help and excruciating.
We tried head down, butt up - which helped some, so I rested there for a couple contractions and asked " Can you even deliver a baby this way?!" seemed like a funny thing to push a baby up and out....
Next we tried standing and that was the best of the three
"Do you have an urge to push?" This was her nice way of saying its time to get him out.
There was no urge.
but I gave what I thought was a push and asked "Did that do anything. It didn't feel like it did"
He was at station 2 for those who follow that type of information.
Ai Linh went outside to greet the paramedics and guide them to us.
and then the midwife did a midwifery trick that I won't detail and the urge to push suddenly came over me!
3 pushes later... the baby came out pink, and screaming with no signs of distress.
Of course I was elated and relieved, and like always, ready to collapse.
I thought " Oh no, Ai Linh missed it!"
Just that moment she and the paramedics walked in.
With so much tenderness one took a knee near us and they quietly monitored, acknowledged and congratulated us. I could sense their calm relief that this little baby was safe.
and then we were all there, even my boys.
We can't really explain what happened with his heart rate, and how he could be so healthy on arrival, but not everything needs to be explained. It was similar with my 2nd born, even after an extended period of distress he came out completely unphased. Luck, protection, something we don't understand about birth yet? who knows.
The next part is why I love homebirth.
After a patient wait for the placenta to arrive, we invited Ai Linh to cut the cord
and I made it into a brief bath to get the "birth" off me. See how great I look.
I snuggled up in bed and everyone hung around. the sun rose.
We ate homemade chicken soup, snuggled babies.
and got to see the placenta (which I had a specific goal of having a very healthy placenta, since my previous two were small and slightly defective) it was indeed healthy!!
the midwife did the newborn exam next to me in bed, which I love cause I learn about how healthy they are
Ai Lihn baked a birthday cake, and we sang happy birthday to the wee one and then everyone napped.
Someday I'll write the post about how I came to choose home birth, and why I love it. but for the moment, the decision has come in quite handy now that I've had two babies during the Covid-19 pandemic which makes hospital birth experiences that much more unattractive to me.
Comments
Post a Comment